This year was a good year for Valentine's Day.  Since it fell on a Saturday, workplace affairs didn't compete for the attention of the spouses who despise the day for its half-hearted gestures.   With the entire weekend to celebrate, the excuses of forgetfulness and thoughtlessness were harder to come by. 

Alright, perhaps I'm being a bit too dramatic.  But love doesn't always smell like roses.  Sometimes, it feels more like the thorns on the stem.  While flowers may smell nice, they don't cover up the stench of neglect and abuse.

Valentine's Day is a threat to manhood.  Case in point, consider the card I got from my wife.  On the cover: "To my husband".  Inside: "My stinky Valentine".  It pictures a bear sitting on the toilet and pooping out little hearts that go all the way through the plumbing system.  I'm a lovable pooping bear, hear me roar!!!!

Ok, so it really is only a threat to those who are INSECURE in their manhood.  Newsflash: ALL men are insecure.  We just hide it and suck it up with Brawny paper towels.

It's all good, I got her back.  On the cover of the card I got her: "To my wife on Valentine's Day- Honey, I hope you know that all of your hard work has not gone unnoticed."  Inside: "I've been watching you from the couch during commercials. Love You!" 

Well, just in case you were thinking that I was a complete jerk, I did get her flowers - the kind she likes.  No infidelity or half-hearted gestures were coming from me!  V-day for me is a day where "keeping it real" applies.  So, I jest about the stereotypes on one hand, but give her what she likes on the other.

It's a lot of pressure for a guy to handle.  First off, the day is set up to tell you that what you do on a regular basis is not good enough.  Then, it calls into question how you truly feel about your significant others or objects of affection.  If you misread the situation, you can end up looking pretty foolish.  Try too hard and you have something to hide.  Don't try at all and she thinks you don't care.

It's best to play it safe.  Ice cream always makes it better.  Chocolate is too obvious because it is an aphrodisiac.  Yes, most women love chocolate, but not the whole box of it.  Actually, I know someone who detests chocolate and I'm related to her.  The best Valentine's gifts are from the heart, like rubbing some stinky Valentine's feet, getting your chest waxed or losing the weight you gained over the holidays.  I did one of those three for my girl.

It's funny that we both got very similar sarcastic cards for each other.  Who writes up half that crap anyway?  Most of the cards can't be for people who live real lives.  Either that, or people are much more uninhibited than I am.  It's like people adopt a Hallmark fantasy when they go card shopping.  What do they do with all the leftover Valentine's Day cards anyway? 

I had a few ideas that need to be dominating the ridiculous red, white and pink paper displays.  Here are a few of them, recycled for you during this week of Valentine's clearances:

Card for any man to any woman (for any occasion, really):
Front: "I am a man of few words."  Inside: BLANK.  Some guys are bound to buy this and give it to the girl without writing a single thing in it.  That way, it can be reused.  Others may just sign their name.  For those who work up the courage to actually write something, you should get major points for making it from the heart.  It's a can't lose situation for the guy.  You are hilarious if you just sign it, balsy if you don't write a freakin' thing and really thoughtful if you actually put some...well, thought into it.

Card from disgrunted man to disgrunted woman:
Front: "Here- I got you a card." Inside: "Will you shut up now?"
This card is sold with two free tickets to the Dr. Phil show.

Card from man to woman:
Front: "You may not be the hottest woman I know, but you get the job done." Inside: "Thanks for ..." (instruction insert: fill in at lease some of the things she does)  This is the hottest version.  There are others, like smartest, sweetest, thoughtful, and compassionate to name a few.

Card from husband to wife:
Front: "Look!  I got you a Valentine's card!  How thoughtful!"  Inside: "Can I get some tonight?" Obviously, there can be several variations of this theme as well.

Card from wife to husband:
Front: "There are guys with more money, better looks and bigger...brains."  Inside: "But I couldn't play with his insecurity the way I can with you."

Card from wife to husband (must have children):
Front: "Honey, I have a secret for you this Valentine's Day." Inside: "The kid might not be yours."
This card should be sold with a discount for a DNA test and two free tickets to the Maury Povich show.
For the guy, this card is also sold in the "I ain't yo baby's daddy" version.  There are also blank inside versions for some other secrets that are begging to be revealed.

Hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day.  It's love that makes the day special.  Don't forget to tell the people you love how much they mean to you everyday.  And remember that laughter is some pretty good medicine.